


can't have nice things

by minkyungsgf, postfixrevolution



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Multi, general tomfoolery like wow what cuties, pesterlogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-29
Updated: 2013-11-29
Packaged: 2018-01-02 23:13:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1062800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minkyungsgf/pseuds/minkyungsgf, https://archiveofourown.org/users/postfixrevolution/pseuds/postfixrevolution
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Dirk is so fucking done with something or other, Roxy somehow just hitchhiked home from Canada, Jane was possibly wasted by choice, and Jake might've gotten laid.</p><p> </p><p>We'd know if only these kids could just hold one conversation long enough for us to find out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	can't have nice things

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

TG: fffffuck  
TG: distri  
TG: distri distri distri  
TT: Goddamn, Rolal; calm the fuck down.  
TT: What seems to be the problem here?  
TG: FUCK broski u do not evn udnersntnad how much im FREKING OUT  
TG: ok so i wen out w janey last nite 4 the fucn of it  
TG: n believe it or not SHE sweet lil innocnetn but not rlly janeye convinced me 2 drink  
TG: NOW IM IN DIS BED W SOME GUY N IM PRETTY SURE I HAVE A TATTOO N JANYE IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUNDDDD  
TG: *janey  
TG: lololol janye  
TG: da hip hop voice of betyy corkcer  
TT: Jesus fuck, how wasted were you.  
TT: I thought we estalished that once you hit the "oh holy shit the world is upside down" stage, you'd drop the shot and sober the fuck up.  
TT: That sounds far past the upside down stage, Ro.  
TT: And what the hell am I supposed to do about it.  
TT: You're in a stranger's house, doll; I can't exactly bust in and drag you out.  
TG: OMG but janye was like 20000000000% WORSE  
TG: thats the proooob  
TG: idek where i am  
TG: do i like  
TG: sneak out  
TG: dude help holy p  
TT: If you plan on sneaking out, Roxy, I'd do it now rather than texting me.  
TT: Pick up that ass of yours, you know; covert escapes don't take to slowpokes.  
TG: ddIRK HES WAKING UP  
TT: Play dead?  
TT: What I meant was pretend to be asleep.  
TT: Don't actually play dead; that'd be really stupid.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has gone offline! -- 

TT: Just so you know, I'm shaking my head at you so hard right now.  
TT: If I shook my head any harder, the poor fuckermight just fall off.  
TT: You better text me back later, Lalonde, or so help me I will go to your apartment and kick your door down myself. 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has signed on! -- 

TG: I TOLD HIM HE WAS A CREEP KICKED HIM IN THE BALLS AND RAN LIKE A MFER  
TT: That's my girl.  
TT: Did you manage to tell him not to take advantage of drunk girls, too, or shall I have to find him and administer my portion of this speech?  
TG: i would suggest u do it  
TG: and id egg u on 2 but idK WHO HE I  
TT: Ah well, I suppose it isn't the most important matter on hand at the moment.  
TT: What's more important is probably the matter of your overdrinking last night  
TT: I mean; Jesus, Ro, I thought you had more control of that shit  
TG: fffffuck  
TG: iii did????  
TG: or i thot i did i guess  
TG: BUT did u kno janyes v v convincing  
TT: I'm going to have to add speaking to her to my list, then. Don't ever remember Janey being too big a drinker, though.  
TG: WELL SHIT SOM  
TG: SOM  
TG: SON  
TG: GOD  
TG: dammit ughgid go  
TT: How fascinating.  
TT: Do continue.  
TG: bufrjbldsvlkvbes  
TG: no  
TG: shit but  
TG: omg that reminds me i still dont kno where she is  
TT: Should I call Jake in on this matter?  
TG: probs  
TT: He's not going to be happy about this, you know.  
TT: Shit's bad enough as it is, seeing as we have no idea where she is and you just left a fucking stranger's house.  
TT: Oy, what am I going to do with you, Lalonde?  
TG: errrrrrr  
TG: help me ig uess considerin i think im smack dab in the middle of nowrher helluuu  
TG: priorities diiii  
TT: Are you seriously talking to me about fucking priorities.  
TG: shhhhh  
TT: I'm not going to take this.  
TT: Just tell me where you're at and I'll be there in less than twenty.  
TT: Probably.  
TG: THATS THE PROB  
TG: idk where i am  
TT: Find a goddamned street sign, Roxy.  
TT: Stop making me feel like a disapproving parent here.  
TG: there r nooo street sign damn u  
TG: god fucking am i in GERMANY or smthn i s2g  
TT: Even Germany has street signs, dumbass.  
TT: The fuck kind of place has no street signs..  
TG: DUDE SHUSH  
TG: im thinkiiiing  
TT: Never mind, I'm accessing your GPS function. Stay there and I'll have your location in twenty..

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has lost connection! -- 

TT: Fuck, I just lost you.  
TT: Goddammit, Rolal, this is why we can't have any fucking nice things. 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is online! -- 

TG: FUXKIN BTIHC ASS WIFI WHO THE FUCK IS TH 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has lost connection! -- 

TT: What the hell are you doing.  
TT: Son of a fuck.  
TT: That's it, I'm going to try and call Jane.  
TT: And Jake, while I'm at it.  
TT: Look what you've made me do, Lalonde.  
TT: God.

* * *

Incoming call: Dirk Strider 

Call taken to voice message: Dirk Strider 

Crocker, pick up.  
This is regarding you and your partner in crime, Rolal. 

Incoming call: Dirk Strider 

Connecting... 

Hnrgh, hello?  


Jane, jesus fuck.  
Where are you?  


At home? 

At home, she says. 

The gentleman I was with last night had the courtesy of bringing me home.  
Ah; do I detect snark behind such casual words, Mr. Strider?  
Wait, of course, I do.

Yeah yeah, call the cops. 

You are basically 100% snark, afterall 

98%, actually, but you were close. 

Hoo hoo!  
What seems to be the issue? 

Ah yes.  
You wouldn't happen to be privy to the whereabouts of a certain drunkard of a blonde, would you?  
She's off the grid as of now, and I can't find her anywhere.  
Her phone's fucking up something nasty and I can't access her GPS function. 

Now that wasn't too nice. Drunkard. 

Too bad; it's been said.  
Now, her location, if you will? 

I can't say I know where she is!! 

Approximate location, then? 

We parted ways yesterday and haven't spoken since. 

Ugh.  
I think Roxy might just be the source of any premature aging that I'll ever encounter. 

In all honesty, Distri, I think you're doing a fine job of aging prematurely yourself even without Roxy's help. 

That is beside the point.  
God; I guess it's back to square one once again.  
Thanks anyway, Jane.

I'm sorry I wasn't much more of a help!  
Hope you find her, soon, Dirk! 

Call ended  


* * *

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is back online! -- 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has changed their mood to RAGGED! -- 

TT: Good, you're back online.  
TT: Would you mind staying that way for a bit, please.  
TG: fuck i dont even kno wats going on anymore  
TG: this fuxking wifi  
TG: OK but in other news i kno where i am  
TT: Alright then; lay it on me.  
TG: um  
TG: ontario  
TT: Ontario.  
TT: As in Ontario, Canada?  
TG: um  
TG: yes  
TT: Or Ontario, California?  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: God fucking dammit, Rolal.  
TG: PLS dont ask me how i got here holy shet i dont even KNOW  
TT: You are the very epitome of why we have no nice things.  
TT: I have half a mind to leave you there.  
TT: Have fun hitch-hiking back to land of the eagles, Roxy.  
TT: Jesus.  
TT: Where in Ontario are you?  
TG: fuck if i kno  
TT: Ask someone!  
TG: they r all speaking fuckin beaver moose language distri pls  
TT: Use Google fucking Translate or some shit like that.  
TG: beaver moose language is not an option on google trnadante  
TG: lsat langoe  
TG: TRNALSATE  
TG: fuck  
TT: I just groaned audibly in frustration at you, since you're nowhere within this country and therefore can't see.  
TT: Oh, and look, I'm massaging my temples, too, over the worry induced migraine you're giving me.   


\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has lost connection! -- 

TT: And now that we've got that clear, turn on your GPS function now, please.  
TT: Fuck dammit.  
TT: And I reiterate; no nice things.  
TT: None whatsoever.  


\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is back online! -- 

TG: fuckin beaver land man  


\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has lost connection! -- 

TT: Motherfucker.  


* * *

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \-- 

TT: Would you care to enlighten me on the fact as to why Roxy is in fucking Canada?  
TT: Or were you not aware of this fact, too?  
GG: She's in Canada?  
TT: Well fuck my life.  


\-- timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG] \-- 

* * *

Incoming call: Jake English 

Connecting... 

Dirk my good man ive been told by a little birdie that trouble is afoot past the borders of our native home soil!  


Ah, so you've spoken with Jane?  
Has she told you her part in this fiasco quite yet, or the fashion in which she most likely woke up this morning, as well?  


What are you beating your gums on about this time strider?  
Jane and i spent the better of last night together.  


Call dropped 

Strider?  
Oh fucking malarkey that wasnt the best way to tell a chap who you used to be involved with about such matters. 

* * *

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has changed their mood to RANCOROUS! -- 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] wants to share with her chums: distri is an asshoel who slams doors in ur face \-- 

TT: Have I ever told you you're batshit insane?  
TT: Because you are. Maybe even a bit more so than that.  
TG: no fuck you i hitchhiked all the goddamn way from ONTARIO

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has blocked timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] is now unblocked! -- 

TT: Sorry about the hack; I had to do that.  
TT: And I would've found you had you told me your location, or at least turned on the goddamn GPS function on your stupid phone, but you didn't! So, care to guess where that left me?  
TG: im sorry i can't really get wifi in the middle of goddamn nowhere  
TG: god

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has blocked timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

TT: The fuck were you doing in the middle of goddamn nowhere to begin with? 

\-- Message not sent! -- 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] is now unblocked! -- 

TT: Come on, Rox; stop being so childish.  
TT: Tell me what the fuck you were doing in Canada anyway.  
TG: welllll for fuckign starters there was the matter of the dude who apaprently brought me to fucking canada  
TG: then i make the trek all the way over here tring to get in contact with SOMEONE at least and when i finally do you just  
TG: slam the door in my face wow no

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] sent file: thnx4nothjngjackass.ath -- 

\-- Virus detected; shutting down for anti-viral procedures! -- 

TT: Wait, shit; hold the phon 

\-- timaeusTestified [TT] has lost connection! -- 

* * *

Incoming call: Dirk Strider 

Call taken to voice message: Dirk Strider 

Look, I wasn't in Canada, so what did you expect me to do? But, you know what? I was prepared to help you. Seeing all my attempts as they failed to do jack shit was a let down. What did you expect me to do then, be all fucking happy go lucky about that? 

* * *

Incoming call: Roxy Lalonde 

Connecting... 

obviously i expected you not to slam the door in my face you asshole 

Roxy, wai 

Call ended 

* * *

Incoming call: Dirk Strider 

Call taken to voice message: Dirk Strider 

Forgive me for being so frustrated over this, god. Oh yeah, my best friend's in Canada and I can't to shit to help; my day is going absolutely great.  
I mean, shoot me for giving too many shits that only ended up being shot down, right? 

* * *

Incoming call: Dirk Strider 

Call taken to voice message: Dirk Strider 

Are you alright, Rox? 

* * *

(2) New voice message: Roxy Lalonde 

leave me alone im just tired  
i feel like im gonna pass out but ill make it home 

* * *

(1) New voice message: Dirk Strider 

I'm coming with you. 

* * *

Incoming call: Roxy Lalonde

Connecting... 

Rox!  
Oh fucking malarkey rox jane and i have been worrying up a storm over you!  
Are you alright? Back in america?

jakey holy shit  
jjakey  
fffuck im frreakign out helpp

Roxy! Are you okay?  
Why are you crying?  
Whats happened?!

its dirk holyy fffuck  
i was runnnning awya from him bc he was iriritatetd and slammed tthe doorr in my faec when i got back home  
and then i ran acrosss the strteet b4 the sign went on adn when he fffolowed me...  
there was thsi carr and it didint stop 4 him  
ohh my gd  
shhit jakey i fucked up  
i fuccked up soso badldy

Oh good god!  
Rox first just calm dow 

Call dropped 

* * *

Incoming call: Jake English 

Call sent to voice message: Jake English 

Strider jesus christmas please tell me youre okay. 

* * *

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \-- 

GG: Roxy, Jake just called me!  
GG: Is Dirk alright?  
GG: Are you alright?  
GG: Oh goodness gracious, I really hope the two of you are fine...

\-- gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] \-- 

* * *

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \-- 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] sent file: plzbeokaydi.ath -- 

\-- Foreign activity detected! -- 

====> Activate: plzbeokaydi.ath 

====> Perform action: Override > "Pesterchum 7.0 Automatic Anti-Viral Security protocol" 

====> Perform action: Locate > "thnx4nothjngjackass.ath" 

====> Perform action: Terminate > thnx4nothjngjackass.ath" 

====> Perform action: Self destruct > "plzbeokaydi.ath" 

\-- Virus check complete: No viral activity detected! -- 

* * *

Incoming call: Roxy Lalonde 

Connecting... 

Roxy, oh thank god!  
Are you and Dirk alright? 

im fine janey dont worry about me  
if anythng im more worried about distri....  
the doctors made me leave after 9 but i rlly cant sleep rn bc im just 2 worried  
fuck this is all my fualt isnt it

Dirk is a strong boy and I'm sure he'll be fine!  
Don't beat yourself up over it too much, Rolal.  
You had your own reasons for running away from him in the first place. It wasn't anyone's fault, save for that lousy driver, of course.  
The most you can do now is be there for him.

le SIGHH  
i guess ur right  
i wont blame myself 2 much anymore

Hoo hoo, that's good to hear then!  
I do hope you manage to catch a few winks, though.  
Sweet dreams, Rox!

Call ended 

* * *

Incoming call: Jane Crocker 

Jake? Hello? 

Reading you loud and clear miss crocker!  
What seems to be the problem by the by? 

I've actually received an update on the status of a certain Mister Strider. 

Well do tell then janey!  
Dont leave a chap on the edge of his seat for too long. 

Well, if you do insist, then, Mister English.  
Rolal just called me, and she says he's fine in the hospital, albeit alone since the institution's curfew has been inset.  
The good news is that our good friend will continue living past this unfortunate incident!

Holy kringlefucking christmas thats more than a relief to hear!  
Why if id worried any more about this the thoughts mightve driven me completely off of my rocker! 

Hoo hoo, we can't be having that, now can we?  
I think our two blond companions are involved in enough off the rocker shenanigans for all of us. 

Hehe well you know me janey. Always a man of the most intriguing shenanigans!  
Losing oneself in canada and getting hit by a car may not be included in the itinerary but we certainly havent accomplished too little! 

Yes, we've definitely had our share dynamic duo shenanigans, too. 

Oh!  
Er...  
Speaking of duos janey...

Hm? 

Do you want to perhaps talk a little about the other night?  
Consider this my penny for your thoughts!  
We havent said jack squat on it since then and honestly janey i think youre sending some mixed messa

Call dropped 

Janey?  
Jane?  
Jesus fucking christmas.

* * *

(3) New voice message: Dirk Strider 

The doctors don't like me using my phone, but they allowed me a few minutes, probably because they feel bad that I've broken about half a fucking dozen bones.  
My head feels like shit and I was sure there was something more I wanted to tell you, but for now, I thought I'd just reassure you that I'm fine now. Er, well. Alive, at least.  
And I really am sorry for slamming that door in your face, Ro. God, I was so frustrated at not being able to do shit when you needed me and I shouldn't have taken it out on you. Can you forgive me?

* * *

(3) New voice message: Roxy Lalonde 

shit di its gr8 to hear that youre ok!!  
had me fuckign worried outta my gooddamned ass the entire time tho thnx a lot  
i gotta go tell jakey nd jane ur alright now!

* * *

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] created a memo:gusyg uys gusy guys improtamt news come here now pls \-- 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] added gutsyGumshoe [GG] \-- 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] added golgothasTerror [GT] \-- 

TG: alritht guys good news  
TG: dirk is doin gr8 hELL YEAH  
TG: i mean besides just like a little bit of broken bone pain but w/e hes ok

GT: Oh good fucking gracious thats more than a relief to hear!  
GT: I knew strider would be okay being the big six that he is. 

GG: Goodness, that's absolutely wonderful!  
GG: Is he still in the hospital currently? 

TG: yeah hes still there 4 now but hes p good so no need 2 worry ur asses off n e more 

GG: Thank you for informing us, though, Rolal! 

GT: And do tell the ol chap janey and i send our greetings! 

TG: aw yeah can do  
TG: ill catch yall l8r then! 

* * *

Incoming call: Dirk Strider 

Connecting... 

It's actually really hard to do this with the doctors practically breathing down my neck, but, Hey, Rolal.  
What's up? 

di dI DI HOoly shit i missed the sound of ur voice 

Hah, well it's nice to know I've been missed. 

omg shhhhshssh of course i missed u you idiot  
u got hit by a mtoherfucking CAR i mean how do you expect me to NOT miss you?  
like shit son i thot you were dead

Sorry to disappoint, but I'm actually as alive as ever.  
Slaughter houses be looking at me like, well shit, breathing game too strong. 

one 1 hand that was practically the lamest thing ive ever heard but ur hurt so i think ill just humor you 

So, does this mean that poor, broken, battered me is forgiven for the whole door fiasco as well then, too? 

hmmmm  
HMMMMM 

Those aren't exactly answers, Rolal. 

weeeelllll idk man 

Well shi 

hey w8 how about you take me out to cheapy froyo and pay when ur outta this shithole  
then mAYBE i can 4give yo 

Pfft, you drive a hard bargain there, Ro. 

srry dirk its all or nothing man 

Well, alright.  
I'm going to have to turn that offer down, though. 

wait wh 

How about I take you to the nice ice cream parlour downtown, instead?  
Gotta go all out if I'm hopin' to snag some forgiveness from you just yet. 

dirk oh my g soh 

So how's about it, Ro?  
I was thinking Saturday, and I'll make sure to open the doors as opposed to slamming them. 

hella fuckin yeha  
defintiely sounds like a plan 

Sweet; just the words I wanted to hear. 

nd just so u know i forgave u a while ago but the ice creams still nice eheh 

Well, you conniving little shit you.  
You're lucky I'm vying for your forgiveness nonetheless and am treating you from the goodness of my heart, or otherwise I'd revoke my offer. 

what heart 

Hah hah; very funny. 

ikr 

I'll see you soon, Ro. 

you 2 distri 

And thanks.  
For forgiving me. 

anytime di  
thnx 4 being there/trying 2 be there for me even when shit was going cray 

I wouldn't have it any other way.  
See you soon. 

Call ended 


End file.
